Last week, I had dinner with a friend. We had known each other for over 10 years and had dinner with each other before. However, on this night we exchanged more than just pleasantries. We shared stories about our life and history, exposing others to vulnerable places within us. When dinner was over, and we went our separate ways, I will admit a part of me was concerned that I had shared a bit too much, but based on my experience, I knew I had not and that we had become closer, but more so than that we had both gained power and insight that could make our lives better.
How exactly does being vulnerable do that?
Vulnerability is an immense power. However, that power is only as strong as your definition of power.
Vulnerability lets others know what sincerely drives, impacts, and affects you. In the best of situations it can help others better relate and empathize with you. If you are a leader or member of the team, this can help build stronger bonds and greater affection. In the worst of situations, it can give people insight into your personal life that can be used to embarrass or shame you. However, to build real trust with someone, and to know that a friendship is based on true feelings and not a superficial one, you will need to be vulnerable at some point.
But this is not the power of vulnerability. The real power comes from what being vulnerable can teach you. In our present day, we have learned (sometimes painfully) that knowledge is power.
The more true knowledge you have about the world around you, the better decisions you can then make. Being vulnerable (letting others know how you feel about a particular thing or situation) can provide you with knowledge on the intentions of those around you and allow for you to ensure you are surrounding yourself with the right people. Yes, some people will abuse your trust, but the sooner you are vulnerable the sooner their intentions are revealed and the sooner you can part ways.
Yet, no one wants to be abused, so how do we minimize this? And the answer is context.
Share your vulnerability in context. Using a simple example, a movie or television show you enjoy doesn’t just tell you who the murderer is, or how a situation will resolve itself. It first builds a context through character and problem introduction, character development, and narrative techniques. The best stories present information so seamlessly you don’t even realize you’re being led. Yet, at the end of the show, you have been affected and the show has left an imprint on you that will affect your behavior or way of thinking in some way.
If someone, who really knew you, were to observe your behavior both before AND after the show, they should be able to observe, to some degree, the impact that show may have had on you. It could be as simple as you speaking on what you watched, to having an aversion to certain things based on a particular gross or shocking scene in the show.
Therefore in the context of a relationship, you share your vulnerability in the context of your conversation. It is not a test to see how people respond when you tell them your dog died when you were 12 and it made you cry, but letting them know how you feel about the feelings they are sharing with you. Someone talks about their work, you share your feelings about them, not the topic. For example the difference between vulnerability and a typical conversation can be illustrated as follows.
In a typical conversation if someone were to say they had a difficult boss, we are many times apt to share a common experience and how we handled it.
A response that illustrates vulnerability would be to show either your lack of understanding or concern about their situation. Showing your emotional state, vis a vis the topic, not your thoughts. Vulnerability isn’t only favourable, it can illustrate your negative traits. For instance, if you have never had a bad boss, you could ask “How are you handling this? Are you ok?”, or if you want to let them know this is also something you have experienced and it has impacted you, show it by placing your hand on their shoulder and asking them “are you ok”.
Or if you feel that what they have shared with you has touched you, simply tell them something like “I admire you being able to share with me….”
Now how you illustrate is based on your own form of communication, but the purpose is to share your emotional state, in an open and friendly way. You don’t need to share facts, you don’t have to bare yourself, just your emotional state vis-a-vis the narrative of the conversation, and either connections or red flags appear.
Vulnerability is not about using your emotions to manipulate or convince someone to care about you. If you believe vulnerability has the power to help endear you to someone, then you miss the true power of vulnerability. The power comes from the power that authenticity has to help you discern truth from falsehood, an enemy from friend, and enables you to gain confidence in yourself, that your beacon of authenticity will shine a light on who your true friends and compatriots are.
