All of us strive for self-improvement. Whether enhancing our appearance, honing our skills and behaviours, or advancing our station in life, this consistent pursuit is a testament to our shared humanity. The critical question in this journey is how we achieve our desired growth. The answers lie in our capabilities: patience, consistency, clarity, and emotional stability. As a CHRO, COO, and Human Rights Commissioner, I’ve spent thousands of hours listening to and supporting people in finding their keys to improvement. I want to share an example of how witnessing excellence taught me about my keys, hoping it might resonate with you.
In February, I travelled to Texas for my best friend’s 50th birthday party, organized by his sister in Dallas. Assuming I couldn’t attend due to the distance, my friend planned a later celebration in Japan. However, I secretly arranged with his sister to surprise him at the party in Dallas. My best friend, who is originally from Nigeria, and I have been close since he transferred to my high school in Virginia 35 years ago. Despite their accents, I never saw anything “foreign” about him or his brothers back then.
Fast forward to February, and I found myself at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, where my friend’s niece picked me up to take me to her mother’s house. I arrived two days before the party to acclimate and meet his extended family. That evening, surrounded by his sister, her family, and an aunt from the UK, I felt an unusual sense of wholeness, happiness, and satisfaction. As I conversed and savoured the food, I realized that everyone exuded a rare confidence in my experiences in Japan or the US.
Of course, there were discussions of common challenges we all face, such as workplace challenges, personal challenges, and not having enough time in the day. However, even when expressing these challenges and discussing them, I could almost feel a confidence emanating from everyone that everything would be alright. Their efforts would lead to success. I compared this to similar conversations I would have or hear with colleagues in Japan or Black Americans I had known when I lived in the US, and the difference was clear. It was perhaps a gleam in the eyes, the strength of the voice, or even the gestures and expressions that exuded a calm and power that could not be faked.
Once my friend arrived (the surprise worked perfectly) and guests from around the world came to celebrate his milestone, I found myself in a room with 80 African men and women. Each conversation and discussion mirrored the next in that I could see the same confidence in each of these people, each successful in their avenue and neither abrasive nor showing much of a need to let anyone know. Their body language gave it away.
We have all seen truly successful people in their natural habitat, and we know it isn’t something you can fake, say, or explain; it is simply there and comes from deep within them, based on a belief or ideal built on experience and faith.
Where I came from, my earliest memories in school usually involved explanations. Either you were explaining why your skin looked the way it did, or your hair felt the way it did, or the worst was when someone would ask your opinion on something as a representative of your entire race. In that situation, especially in the formative years, one becomes very much aware of how different they are and how important it is for those around them to feel comfortable with them (because you couldn’t hide in the crowd) to be socially accepted. And even with those whom you are close with, all it took was for some news report on riots or an expose pointing out racial differences in X or Y to make you feel uncomfortable again as someone who is different or worse, potentially dangerous in some way.
Coming from such experiences, to find the confidence to help propel you through the challenges everyone faces in their lives required, at least for me, to have a strong imagination. I would imagine that I was a king in hiding. Like the Prince and the Pauper, I was actually a prince, roaming the earth to learn from the average man, lessons and insights that would make me a better king.
This worked many times, especially when things were going well in my life. But it is still a facade, and it was linked to my state of mind. In weaker moments, I would realize I was an emperor with no clothes and have to either take a sick day, or spend hours chatting with my mother to gain the perspective required to feed my confidence to go out and be myself in the world.
In my environment, excelling and trying to achieve excellence involved a sort of acrobatics, where one jumped and leaped between obstacles and challenges, to land on a platform of achievement, where hopefully one could catch their breath, speak to a mentor, or read a good book, to prepare for what is happening next. With a strong family unit, which I had despite my parents’ divorce when I was 7, and close ties to my brothers and friends, I somehow made it to adulthood.
But when I entered the world, attending Harvard, I met other students with similar experiences. Most were Black Americans like myself, while others were misfits for different reasons. This common ground made us close, yet I could see the walls within and between us. Our experiences had damaged us in such a way that we were sometimes paranoid and overly concerned about others’ opinions. We compensated for this self-doubt with false confidence, but through my collegiate lens, I saw a group of young people, detached from their foundations (for me, it was a close family who “got” me).
It would take me another 20 years to figure out how to establish my own foundation, independent of others’ judgments, to fully realize my personal potential.
Near the party’s end, my friend and I stood near his cake. He can read me like a book. I was dressed in a Nigerian suit, and he in a Western one. I was probably happier than he was, though he was overjoyed with the effort to show him our love. He could see my joy, and as he turned to me, I expressed what I believed he could see in my eyes.
“This reminds me of how I felt in Nigeria. No one seems to measure their value based on what anyone thinks. It’s great to be in this environment. It recharges me.”
To paraphrase, he responded with something like, “It’s because we know where we come from and we KNOW we belong, no matter where we go. That is our foundation.”
Foundations are the cornerstone of our ability to achieve. I recognize this and strive to help people find theirs. As a young person, though society was not a place where I could build a strong foundation, I had this at home. A weak foundation compared to others, but it worked. The farther I strayed from it, the more lost I felt.
When your community at large, or better yet, your country, reinforces that you belong and are an INTEGRAL part of it, your foundation, confidence, and results become stronger.
None of us are capable of achieving alone. Even the success of those we envy is built upon a foundation that reinforces their belief in themselves. They didn’t emerge from the womb with this key to success. So there is no need to be angry or upset at them. Leave them to whatever success or fate that awaits them. Find YOUR foundation, build your Foundation, and in time you too will reach a peak that no one can knock you down from.
Thanks, Valentine and Joy, and thank you to everyone who has helped me build the foundation upon which I can help others.
